


Back To December

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Castiel's Family Being Assholes (Supernatural), Coffee Shops, Getting Back Together, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, Religious Guilt, Song Lyrics, Song: Back to December (Taylor Swift)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:13:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 2,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24334900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Dean and Cas hid their relationship, in fear of what Cas's very religious family would do if they found out.After they break up one day in December, Cas invites Dean to catch up and talk over coffee. They both feel bad about what happened, but can they fix it?*Based on Back To December by Taylor Swift*
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	1. I'm So Glad You Made Time To See Me

June 9, 2018- a week after school ended- at the small cafe down the street- waiting for Dean.

Dean Winchester, my first boyfriend, the first person I ever really loved, and also the person that I dumped a week before Christmas. He was supposed to be meeting me here at the cafe to talk.

I glanced at my watch again. 2:34. We were meeting at 2:30. Is he even going to show up? This was a bad idea...

Then, I saw him.

Walking towards me with his gorgeous green eyes and strong hands and warm smile.

Except,

His smile wasn't warm this time, it was... forced, fake. I know why...

"Hi, Cas," he said shyly as he sat down in the seat across from me.

"Hey," I replied, awkwardly, "I wasn't sure if you were going to come."

"Yeah, me neither," he laughed. That was also forced. I miss his laugh, his smile, his eyes, his hands, I've missed everything about him. Why was I so stupid?

"Thanks for making time to see me," I say, trying to smile. He nodded in reply.

"No problem. We have a lot to talk about."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I originally uploaded this story on Wattpad, but I only use AO3 now, so I thought I'd edit some stuff and repost it here. I hope you like it, feel free to leave a comment or something. Thanks!


	2. How's Life? Tell Me, How's Your Family?

"So, uh, Dean. How've you been?" I ask. That's a dumb question. How's he been? That's really all you can come up with? Get it together, Castiel.

Dean chuckled nervously.

"You know, okay. Definitely not great, not when... you know," he looks down at the table to avoid meeting my eyes.

"Yeah, I know what you mean," I mumble. An awkward silence settled in, making every second agonizing. I wanted to talk to him, but what do I say?

"Um," I think, "how's Sam?"

Dean's eyes lit up slightly at the sound of his younger brother's name. The two had always been very close. Dean has always protected and looked after Sam. He was so caring and kind towards him, it's one of the reasons I Lo- no. I don't have the right to say that anymore. Not after what I did.

"He's good. He managed to keep his 4.0 grades all year and so I took him out for ice cream and to go see the end of school firework show a week ago. Man, you should've seen his face! I mean, he was blown away by the fireworks. He's a smart kid, very creative, too," I couldn't help but smile.

It was a real smile, I haven't had one of those in a while.

"How about your family?" He asked me.

I shuffled in my seat uncomfortably, as this wasn't a very good subject right now. My family has always been very religious, so you can imagine what they would do if they figured out I was dating Dean. So we always just snuck around. Dean didn't mind, but I felt horrible lying.

"Well, I came out to them a little bit ago," I said, stating at the table.

Dean reached over and placed his hand on my shoulder, making my heart flutter.

"That's great, Cas! How'd they take it?"

I looked up to him and smiled.

"Well, I'm still alive, so better than expected."

I left out the part about them kicking me out and how I've been staying at my friend's house for two weeks now.


	3. I Haven't Seen Them In A While

We continue to talk about family and I find myself thinking about the last conversation I had with Sam.

It was a few days before the breakup. I had been waiting downstairs for Dean to get ready for our date.

Dean's family knew we were dating and they knew that I didn't want mine to know, so they kept our secret. Bobby, Ellen, Sam, and Jo had become more like a family to me than mine ever was.

Sam sat down next to me.

"Hey, Cas?" He said.

"Yeah?"

"Um, I was just going to say that I'm really glad Dean has you. He's been the happiest I've ever seen him. I swear, he could go on and on for hours about just your eyes. Trust me, it's happened," he chuckled.

"And, just, please don't break his heart," his voice was softer than before.

"Never," I promised him.


	4. You've Been Good, Busier Than Ever

The conversation transitioned from family to some other random things, which was good because I didn't really feel like talking about my family anymore. Not after I disappointed everyone by being a homosexual sinner. 

"So, what have you been up to these last few months?" I ask him. I know we should probably talk about the more important stuff but it felt good to just catch up for a bit. It almost felt like things could be normal again like we could go back to being friends who can have normal conversations with each other.

"Well, I've been helping my uncle Bobby fix up a car. When it's done, I think it will look really nice," I could tell Dean enjoyed the work he does. He's always had this passion for cars and fixing things that I could never really understand. Maybe it's because I tend to break everything I touch...

"I also have been in charge of driving Sammy and his friends around until one of them turns 16. On top of that, I have also been giving him relationship advice almost every day," Dean chuckled, "He just started dating this one girl, her name's Jess. She's really nice and sweet, but Sam is just so socially awkward that I have no idea how long it will last. Plus, I'm probably the last person he should go to for relationship advice, considering, you know, I haven't dated anyone since last year." 

"You've been busy, then," I say, still feeling slightly uncomfortable whenever he mentions our break up. I just want to talk to him like we were two normal human beings and not two skin sacks filled to the brim with awkwardness and discomfort. 

"Yeah, I try to keep myself busy to leave less time for," He cleared his throat, "for, sulking. Or doing something I would regret like showing up at your door every day."

I nodded my head, I know the feeling.


	5. We Small Talk, Work And The Weather

We talk about random stuff.

What have you been up to this Summer so far?

How have you been enjoying this nice weather?

Are you still working at that one place?

Are you glad school is out?

Random stuff that no one really cares about, but that's all we can talk about. Why did I think this would be a good idea? We can't even talk about what I invited him here to talk about. It's just too hard. 

I don't want to mess this up.


	6. Your Guard Is Up And I Know Why

I can tell how tense Dean is while we talk. He's normally so carefree and relaxed. Now, he obviously has his wall up.

I know exactly why.

It's because of me...

...it's my fault...

Every crappy thing that has happened in my life these past months have been entirely my fault.

My fault that Dean has been hurting.

My fault that I was kicked out of my home.

My fault that I'm going to Hell.

It's all my fault. 

"Dean, I didn't ask you here to talk about family and the weather, there are some things I would like to tell you." He tenses up even more.

That is also my fault.


	7. Because The Last Time You Saw Me Is Still Burned In The Back Of Your Mind

"I know, I know," Dean says as he runs his hand through his hair, "I was just putting it off, but if you think we should talk about it, then let's talk."

I clear my voice. This is going to be bad. I'm not good with words.

"It keeps playing back in my head, you know, that night."

"Yeah, me too," Dean's voice sounds strained and weaker than usual. 

"You know, Cas, I can't even close my eyes without seeing your face as you told me that you didn't want to be with me. That us being together was 'a mistake.' All of that love and trust just broken in a minute without any warning. Things, things were so good and all of a sudden, I-I can't even close my freaking eyes, Cas!" Dean looks like he's on the verge of crying, or flipping a table, or both.

I stay silent for a long moment, not quite sure what to say to that.

"I get that, too," the words finally able escape my mouth. "Every day, I keep thinking about what I did and how I did it. It keeps replaying. One of the single worst things I have ever done and I keep having to relive it. I can't escape it."

I look up at Dean and our eyes met.

"My biggest mistake and it's all I can think about."


	8. You Gave Me Roses And I Left Them There To Die

The breakup wouldn't stop replaying in my head.

It was a week before Christmas, and, since my family is very religious, I couldn't spend it with Dean. So, we decided to do our own little Christmas early. 

I had just got back from church, where the guilt about Dean and I's relationship was always worst. It was awful, sitting there and thinking about how much your family would hate you if they knew the truth. That you weren't this perfect child who paid attention during church and lived a pure, sinless life. This specific Sunday wasn't any different than any other, but it suddenly became too much. 

I showed up at Dean's door that day, ready to tell him that I couldn't do this anymore. I knew that if I continued our relationship, I would continue to be a disappointment to my family and to God. I remember the tears uncontrollably streaming down my face when Dean opened to door, ready to spend an early Christmas with me. His boyfriend.

"Cas! I got you these!" He held out a beautiful bouquet of roses. However, when he noticed my tears, the joy in his eyes was instantly replaced with worry.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" 

I took the roses and shook my head no.

"I'm so, so sorry, Dean," I said, suppressing a sob.

"About what? Tell me what's wrong," He put his hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged it off.

"I can't do this anymore, Dean," I say, the tears flowing more and more as I spoke. "I can't continue to lie to my family and I-I don't want to go to Hell. I can't do this, Dean." 

"Cas, please, let's talk about this! Whatever bullshit your family told you isn't true, you know that! Please, just come inside and we can talk about this," Dean pleaded, but I just shook my head.

"Goodbye, Dean," I say, setting the roses down on his front step and walking away.

"Just," I say over my shoulder, "Just know that I always have and always will love you, Dean."

I looked up to Dean sitting across from me. He had tears in his eyes.

"You know, Cas," He said, meeting my eyes, "I still have those roses. They are in a vase in my room next to... next to a picture of us."


	9. So This Is Me Swallowing My Pride, Standing In Front Of You

We sat in silence for an awkward moment more until Dean started to stand up, grabbing his coat.

"Look, I'm really sorry, Cas. I thought I could do this, but," He cleared his throat and rubbed his eyes, "I just, I can't talk about this. You left me. I gave you my heart and you just tore it out all because of some crap you were told at church. So, I'm sorry, but I have to leave."

He started to walk away and I could feel myself starting to panic. It took so much courage to even set up this meeting, I couldn't let it end like this.

I stood up quickly and grabbed his arm. I can't mess this up, I need to just swallow my pride and tell him how I feel. That'll work, right?

"Please, Dean," I begged, causing him to turn and look at me, "I'm not going to just sit here and watch you walk away from me. I don't want to mess this up, not again."

I took a deep breath. 

"I really just need to tell you something."

Dean tugged his arm out of my grasp, his expression cold. 

"Okay, then tell me."


	10. Saying I'm Sorry For That Night

I quickly sat back down, motioning for Dean to follow suit, as to not draw too much attention to us. 

"Listen Dean, I'm honestly so sorry. And I know that that doesn't in any way make up for the things I did that night, but I'm so, so sorry." Dean ran a hand through his hair, sighing. 

"Cas, sorry won't cut it. Sorry is just a word. No matter how many times you say it, it won't change anything. "

I looked up to meet Dean's eyes, but they were cold and stern. Nothing like his usual strong but comforting expression. I tried to swallow the lump that was forming in my throat.

"I know, I know that, Dean. But, please, just let me talk. Let me just explain myself. I just need you to understand that it's not your fault."

"Okay, Cas, talk," He replied.

"Dean, I don't go a single day without feeling sorry for what I did. I was being selfish, thinking only about what would happen to me if we stayed together that I never even though about what if would feel like for both of us if we were apart." 

Dean's expression changed the moment he saw my now teary eyes. He reached across the table to grab my hand.

It was warm and strong.

It was nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, thanks for reading! I'm trying to post fairly often since the chapters are pretty short, but I have to edit them a lot since I initially wrote this in 2018. And I know it's like way overdramatic and kinda cringy, but I love Taylor Swift and Destiel so whatever, it is what it is. Also, feel free to comment any constructive criticism! (but please don't be too mean, I am very sensitive lol)


	11. And I Go Back To December All The Time

"Dean, if I could go back in time and do it differently, I swear I would. I would be a better boyfriend. I wouldn't make you keep our relationship a secret just because I was afraid of what my family would think. I would consider your wants and need more than mine. I swear if I went back in time, I'd fix things. But I can't."

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to hold back the very present threat of tears.

"I can't go back in time and I can't make up for how horrible of a boyfriend I was. I'm so sorry, Dean."

Dean squeezed my hand slightly.

"You weren't a horrible boyfriend. The time I spent with you was the greatest time of my life. I was happier with you than I had ever been, no matter how badly it ended. And I will always love you for all the happy memories, no matter what happens in the future." I could see the emotional struggle on his face. I hurt him, and neither of us can deny that, but at the same time, we love each other. I know that we do. 

I smiled up at him.

"Thank you, Dean. I really appreciate that. Could I just talk some more? I think I need to get some things off my chest before you leave."

"Of course, Cas."


	12. It Turns Out Freedom Ain't Nothing But Missing You

"I thought that if we broke up, I'd feel more free, less stressed. I wouldn't have to keep lying to my parents or hiding who I was," I sighed. "Boy, was I wrong.

Ever since that day, I've felt more burdened than ever, not even the slightest bit freer. I just, I keep thinking back on everything. It's like I'm a prisoner in my own mind sometimes, you know? That probably sounds really dumb, sorry. It's just, It's really hard to pinpoint exactly how I feel?"

Dean was watching me intently as I spoke. It felt good to be able to talk to him and get all this off my chest. He was the only person who let me just ramble or rant on as long as I wanted without interruption. 

I took a deep breath and continued.


	13. Wishing I'd Realized What I Had When You Were Mine

"Feel free to stop me if I'm rambling too much or not making any sense, but I've got this far so I just have to say as much as I can before you leave or I'll never stop thinking about it," I say quickly, the words almost tumbling together into one incoherent blob. 

"I really wish I realized how amazing our relationship truly was. Most of the time, I was just worrying. What if my parents found out? What if someone at school found out and did something to you? What if it was wrong? You know, stuff like that. But, as soon as things ended, I started to realize how amazing it all was. No matter the troubles, the other things made up for it.

Like, the way you were always there for me, my shoulder to cry on. And all those late nights when you snuck in my window just to talk. Not even about anything in particular, but just talking to you was always the highlight of my day. Not to mention your laugh and smile and how you can light up any room with them." I sighed and ran a hand through my already messed up hair.

"I just- I really wish I hadn't taken all those small things for granted. Now that they're gone, I feel so empty."


End file.
